Some people enjoy a good scare at Halloween. Others prefer the pumpkins and chocolates. But beyond this one night, there are fears we do not always know how to handle.
We are not talking about ghosts. We mean the fear of saying “no” and hurting someone. Of trying something new and having it go wrong. Of asking for help and being told we should be able to manage on our own.
These fears can go unnoticed, even by us. We say it is not the right time yet, that it is not worth bringing up, or that we would rather handle everything ourselves. Sometimes that is what we really want. At other times, we are simply trying to avoid discomfort.
“What if it goes wrong?”
Imagine there is a conversation you keep putting off. You know what you would like to say, and may even have rehearsed the words, but you always end up leaving it for another day.
Meanwhile, you think about how the other person might react. What if they get angry? What if they do not understand? What if the relationship changes?
The fear takes up more space, and the conversation remains unspoken.
Feeling afraid does not mean there is something wrong with you. Fear is an emotion that helps protect us. Difficulties arise when, in order to feel safe, we begin to give up too much of what we need or want.
Start by understanding what is at stake
Before demanding more courage of yourself, try to understand what frightens you about the situation. Are you afraid of criticism? An argument? The possibility of not succeeding?
Putting a name to the fear may help you distinguish what is actually happening from what you imagine might happen.
Then think of one step you can take. If you need to set a boundary, you could start with a simpler situation. If you want to ask for help, choose someone you feel comfortable with. You do not have to resolve everything in a single day.
And if it does not go as you hoped, that does not mean trying was a mistake.
When you need support
Some fears can be faced with time and support from those around us. Others keep returning, wear us down and eventually limit our relationships and choices. In those situations, seeking psychological support may help you understand what is happening and work through those difficulties.
This Halloween, you can leave the ghosts at the door. But perhaps there is a conversation, a request or a decision that deserves your attention.
Is there something you would like to do, but fear has led you to put off?
Sofia Vizinho
Clinical and Health Psychologist
Photograph: Yaroslav Shuraev / Pexels.
